I recently received an email from an social anxiety sufferer who was making progress using the EasyCalm Series, but was still struggling a bit to “let go” and overcome the control issues that are always present with anxiety(especially social anxiety).  To protect the writer’s privacy, I will call her “Meg” for the purposes of this post. I have included my response to Meg’s question below, because it may be useful to others who are just starting out with EasyCalm.

If you haven’t tried the EasyCalm method yet, a few parts of this reply may seem a bit confusing, but I think there are also points that can help anyone, regardless of how far along they are in overcoming their anxiety (social anxiety or otherwise), or which method they choose to use.

Below is my original reply to “Meg’s” question about struggling to overcome social anxiety:

Dear “Meg,”

The most important point in using the EasyCalm series is to start really small–do NOT expect too much of yourself at first. I am serious about this–you can start as small as you want–it really doesn’t matter as long as you follow the method. Setting small goals like just being in the presence of strangers for 30 secs or a minute is absolutely fine; you can always build up from there.

If you are getting exhausted or feel like you are struggling, you are no doubt setting your goals too large–too soon. This is one of the worst things you can do because it will re-confirm the old negative patterns and social fears you already have. It is far better to start extremely small and build up a pattern of success that you can continue to build upon. They say “success breeds more success, and failure only breeds more failure.” This is especially true with issues like “control” and social anxiety.

A tool I have often used with coaching clients is a simple logic statement that goes like this:

“The more you__________, the more you WILL ___________. “ Whatever action you place in the first blank always goes in the second blank as well.

Some examples:

“The more you worry, the more you WILL worry.” (because it becomes your habitual way of reacting)
“The more you fail, the more you WILL fail.”

“The more you feel good, the more you WILL feel good.”

“The more you let go and relax, the more you WILL let go and relax.”

This tool sounds incredibly simple, and because of this, it may seem difficult to take seriously at first. However, if you will keep this logic statement in mind as you go through your day, it will keep you mentally on the right path, and you can concentrate on building ”patterns of success,” no matter how small. And of course, “The more you succeed (at anything), the more you WILL succeed.”

One more simple tip for social anxiety: try “loaded question” affirmations before you go into a stressful situation. Using an affirmation like “I feel calm around people,” doesn’t work for many people, because the mind rejects the statement outright. But if you calmly and repetitively ask yourself questions like, “Why am I always so calm around people?” — “what makes me so relaxed with people?” and then really allow your mind to search for answers to this question, it bypasses the critical, skeptical part of the mind and is more easily accepted.

One of my clients had great success asking “What makes me such a calm, laid-back person?” and  “Why do people love me so much?” and then meditating on the possible answers to these questions. Repeating these questions slowly and calmly for 5-10 minutes before a social situation produced very noticeable positive changes. I highly recommend it for anyone dealing with social anxiety. It can be more effective than you might think!

Wishing you all the very best,
Jon

Jon Mercer, MA
Personal Development Coach
http://www.easycalm.com/
http://www.easycalm.com/social.htm
http://www.cafepress.com/socialskills.81169853
Managing Director, Youniverse LLC

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A question that comes up pretty often is, “How do I know if I have social anxiety or if I’m just a shy person?” The fact is, even though there are clear differences between the two, it is often difficult for someone to tell when they are trying to “evaluate” their own situation.

In fact, shyness can appear very similar (or even identical) to social anxiety on the outside, but on the inside, a very different process is taking place.

Social anxiety produces a feeling of being “attacked.” Everyone with SA will recognize the feeling I’m talking about-it’s not just the feeling of being uncomfortable around people; it makes you feel that you must immediately defend yourself in some way, often by getting out of the situation ASAP!

Shyness, on the other hand, doesn’t produce the same “fight or flight” feelings around people. I once heard it described this way: “Shyness can make you feel uneasy around people, but it usually doesn’t physically hurt you-social anxiety can actually be painful to endure!”

The irony is, even though shyness and social anxiety are quite different, they are both based on habits we fall into, and they can both be eliminated by beginning to change these habits.

It strikes some people as odd when I tell them that they are shy or they have social phobia because they have “fallen into” habits that cause them to feel that way. But it’s absolutely true. The habits that produce these feelings (and other anxiety and panic attack feelings) are all based on where and how you focus your attention. That’s right: what you give your attention to will determine whether you suffer with the problems or not.

The worst of these habits is focusing inward. Just like everything else in our lives, focusing inward excessively is a learned and self-perpetuating habit; the more you focus inward, the more it becomes your habitual way of responding to life and the stronger the habit gets.

Of course, the problem with kicking an old habit is it tends to be difficult (the ex-smokers among us can certainly vouch for that). That’s why programs like the EasyCalm Coaching Series and the Social Strategies don’t actually ask you to “drop” any of the habits you currently have. Instead, they ask you to start a few new habits that will “block” the old ones.

The key is to add new habits, not to try to eliminate the ones you have. EasyCalm and Social Strategies are two methods that are both based on this method of eliminating anxiety-but the fact is, everyone who successfully overcomes anxiety problems (and even shyness) uses this method-even if they are not aware of it.

 Jon Mercer, MA
www.easycalm.com

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